It's really strange to hear your child is anything less than perfect. Strange to imagine what life would be like for him. Strange to imagine me saying, "he's autistic" when trying to help someone understand his unique behavior. And even more strange to imagine the perspective of the stranger, "Ohhhhhhh. Now I see".
Go away, shitty thoughts.
And here's the zinger!! I did everything in my power to NOT have autistic kids. Yep. I planned it out. I could have written a book, "Common pitfalls. A guide to an Autism free pregnancy". I ate all organic shit. I avoided any and all medications. I planned on a natural pregnancy (who knows what that crazy pitocin does...the incidence of Autism did seem to coincide with the increase in epidurals and c-sections...there of course is no medical research supporting any of this). I didn't allow the immunization at the hospital AND I spaced out all their immunizations. So, screw you universe. I guess I could have eaten absolutely anything I wanted, had a pain-free labor and delivery AND given all those stupid shots at once.
I can't worry about his future too much because I will drive myself crazy. And I still don't think he's autistic. I really do think he is going to be fine. So, what now? Well, today I made an appointment for a speech evaluation. I'm working on "floortime" stuff, which is basically just sitting with him and encouraging him to interact with me (which he does already). I'm hopeful. Hopeful that he will be just fine. That he will start talking and all this will fade away. That I can tell stores about how everyone thought he was autistic when he was two years old. And as a successful adult Niko will say, "Mom, why do you tell that story all the time!?!?!?!". So hopeful....
2 comments:
Whether you see it or not, you are a ((very)) brave woman. Niko is incredibly lucky to have a mother as strong as you!! Hope...is what gets us through anything! It is what helps us get up in the morning and keeps us moving forward each day. That is what you are doing! Keep it up. Hopefully you are right and that your story to Niko will just be a story. Stay brave, stay strong. You and your family are in our prayers. Hugs.
Thanks, Debbie. Hugs to you and yours as well.
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