Comfortably Numb

It's really strange to hear your child is anything less than perfect.  Strange to imagine what life would be like for him.  Strange to imagine me saying, "he's autistic" when trying to help someone understand his unique behavior.  And even more strange to imagine the perspective of the stranger, "Ohhhhhhh. Now I see". 

Go away, shitty thoughts. 

And here's the zinger!!  I did everything in my power to NOT have autistic kids.  Yep.  I planned it out.  I could have written a book, "Common pitfalls. A guide to an Autism free pregnancy".  I ate all organic shit.  I avoided any and all medications.  I planned on a natural pregnancy (who knows what that crazy pitocin does...the incidence of Autism did seem to coincide with the increase in epidurals and c-sections...there of course is no medical research supporting any of this).  I didn't allow the immunization at the hospital AND I spaced out all their immunizations.  So, screw you universe.  I guess I could have eaten absolutely anything I wanted, had a pain-free labor and delivery AND given all those stupid shots at once. 

I can't worry about his future too much because I will drive myself crazy. And I still don't think he's autistic. I really do think he is going to be fine.  So, what now?  Well, today I made an appointment for a speech evaluation.  I'm working on "floortime" stuff, which is basically just sitting with him and encouraging him to interact with me (which he does already).  I'm hopeful.  Hopeful that he will be just fine.  That he will start talking and all this will fade away.  That I can tell stores about how everyone thought he was autistic when he was two years old.  And as a successful adult Niko will say, "Mom, why do you tell that story all the time!?!?!?!".  So hopeful....

It's all fun and games until someone ends up Autistic

Warning - some strong language

I know I've joked around a lot about my son seeing a doctor who specializes Autism.  His first visit went ok.  Concerns about speech and language.  No biggie.  Didn't even recommend formal therapy, just a home program called "Talk To Me More", which is a little off-putting because the name itself suggests that I don't talk to my child enough.  So, I did all the things they asked and we went back for a 3 month check up.  This one didn't go as well.  We went from a "very low level of concern" to things that were "very concerning".  Some excerpts from the appointment that play in my head over and over again:

Does he do this a lot at home??? (insert a very concerned clinician....writing furiously after I say no) 

Can he do these activities at home?  (insert a very annoyed mom who does not set up testing scenarios at home) 

He exhibits fleeting eye contact. 

He gets mad so easily. He can't regulate his emotions. 

Does he have difficulties with transitions? 

These things are all components of THIS. 

So, I finally ask, "what is THIS"?  Her reply, "well, everyone nowadays is concerned with Autism". 

For some reason I felt strangely calm.  I guess I've just been waiting for someone to say it.  To stop skirting the issue and just tell me what they're thinking.  I left feeling ok. But, in typical Michelle fashion, I starting ruminating about it.  And I've found myself teetering between two states. 

1) Proactive, early intervention outcomes Mom

2) Conspiracy theorist, you can go fuck yourself Mom

Excuse the language.  I'm not censoring.