I swear I'm not autistic!

At Niko's 18 month check up my pediatrician recommended that he see a developmental pediatrician.  In typical Michelle fashion, I inquired about her "concerns" but never really got the nitty-gritty on where she was coming from.  I love our pediatrician and I'm trying to make a concerted effort to value her expertise and not question every, single decision she makes.  So, I took the doctor's number and bid her farewell.  

Fast forward to the next day, when I'm obsessing over her "concerns". I talk to a colleague and mention the specialist's name.  To my surprise I find out that this doc specializes in autism.  In initial reaction is, "What? Niko is not autistic! Not even a little!".  However, slowly but surely those little doubts enter my mind.  Oh my God!  What if Niko is autistic.  What if all my friends think so but are afraid to tell me.  Holy hell. Niko is totally autistic.  Shit!  

So, I make the dreaded phone call to the specialist's office. Mid conversation I realize I'm trying really hard to show the appointment clerk that I'm not autistic.  Here's the conversation, with a dash of Michelle drama added:

Office:  Hi, you've reached the center for severely autistic children.  How can I help you today?  

Me:  I need to make an appointment for my son. 

Office: Ok, what's going on with your son?  

Me:  Um....well, funny you ask...well it's not funny it's just that I don't have any concerns.  His doctor does. 

Office: (office realizes I'm in total denial and makes a note in the chart).  Ok.  Did she mention what she was concerned about? 

Me: Not really.  She said he's not talking as much as she would like and she felt like his older sister was more interactive at this age.  

Office: I see (writes in chart - this kid is totally autistic).  So, she is maybe concerned with a speech delay?  

Me: I guess. It's such a pretty day. (trying to be social and demonstrate my interest in two-way conversations) 

Office:  What? Oh, yes.  It is. (makes another note in chart that mom is socially awkward) Any way, would like like to see Dr. Fasci or the nurse practitioner, Dr. Stoner? 

Me: The nurse practitioner's name is Dr. Stoner? That's funny. (again demonstrating my understanding of subtle humor)  Like S-T-O-N-E-R?  

Office: silence followed by an annoyed "Yes".  

Me:  Well. You know. That's a weird name for a.....well, it's not weird just kind of funny.  Long sigh.  I guess we'll go with whoever can see him first (Beating my head on my desk. She totally thinks I'm autistic.  I'm such an idiot!!!!!!!!) 

Office:  (rambles off dates and times)

Me: (Now, trying to demonstrate my flexibility and tone modulation abilities).  Oh, it doesn't matter.  I guess whoever can see him first.  

Office: Ok.  Dr. Stoner is available first.  

Me:  Well, if the doctor said Dr. Fasci maybe I should see her. (crap, that's being inflexible)  No, nevermind.  We will be fine with Dr. Stoner. Well...is she housed somewhere different than Dr. F?  Cause I live in central Austin and if Dr. F is at Dell Children's and Dr. F is somewhere else maybe I should go with Dr. F?  

Office: silence (making copious notes that I am a pain in the ass and indecisive and awkward and switch from low tones to high tones while speaking). 

Me: (totally defeated) Dr. Stoner is fine.

Office:  Ok. We'll see you and your autistic son on ______.   

I know there are secret notes for the doctor in poor Niko's file.  Poor kid doesn't stand a chance!  Sorry bud.  

    

 

Sneak Peek - Sweet Little Collin

I had the pleasure of taking pics of my cousin's newest little addition, Collin.  This little guy is the sweetest ever! 

Lost and Found

Today was the first day of Spring Break.  We took Sami and Niko to daycare so we could get a couple things done around the house.  I'm not good about keeping up with chores, but when I decide it's time to clean I, like Jacob and the wolf pack, imprint on any cleaning product within a half mile radius.  I get a little crazy. 

So, while I was moving couches to vacuum under them, I stumbled upon about 10 small toys.  All of them dusty and forgotten.  Many of these toys were once adored by Sami and Niko.  Played with on a daily basis.  I'm sure at some point in time we spent an hour or two looking for them, but like most things...they were forgotten.  Before I fished them from the cat hair and dirt, I took a couple pictures.  For some strange-ass reason, it was a poignant moment.  It made me stop and think about all the cool things we forgot about ourselves while were busy parenting, cooking, cleaning, guiding, scolding, sighing...you get my drift.  Like Allie from The Notebook saying, "I used to paint!".  I realize Allie had no children and was being courted by two hot guys...she really had it tough.  But regardless, other things used to define me.  Not to down play the awesomeness of being a mom, but I feel like all the other stuff hopped on a rail car and never looked back.  And that makes me a little sad.

I read a blog last night about a successful career woman who was leaving her profession to do the most important job in His eyes...raising a child. I did find it a little suspect that she was married to a pastor, and I'm guessing someone was whispering His wishes into her ear and she slept (rude thought...yes...I know).  The thing that bothered me about the post was this - the women seemed really conflicted about the decision.  Like she was trying to convince herself as she wrote it.  Trying to convince herself that she's can't be both.  A professional and a mother. 

I know this is hard for a lot of people.  Finding balance.  Nourishing yourself so you can nurture your little ones.  That's the way I look at it.  Is my attention 100% where it should be? Probably not.  Could I spend more time with my kids and less time obsessing over my hobbies? Sure.  Am I harming my kids by continuing a personal journey while I raise them? I really don't think so.  I hope they will learn to nurture their own interests the same way.  But I also hope they don't hate me for it. 

So, like those long, lost forgotten toys.  Today I stopped and spent some time nourishing my artistic side.  Albeit in the form of rearranging furniture and taking pictures of hairballs and hot wheels.  Nonetheless, my soul smiled.  And when I picked up my kids from daycare my day reached perfection. 

I Heart Faces - Beautiful Black and White

A mama's touch. Nothing like it.

 This photo was submitted to the I Heart Faces photo challenge – www.iheartfaces.com

 

Who do you feed?

I love inspirational quotes. A friend of mine posted this on facebook, and I must say I was inspired. I've been trying to apply this to my everyday life. Trying to feed the good and starve the bad. Well, today I decided to go shopping on Superbowl Sunday. Probably not the best idea in the world, but hey, I can totally handle this. My mantra - feed the good...feed the good...feed the good.

What actually took place:

Jackass honking at me while I waited for my parking place.

Me - "oh yeah, shitbag, you can stick it up your ass you piece of shit" (while on the phone with a friend, my apologies, Jules)

Very angry man squeezing his way through gridlock carts, who seriously looked like he was going to lose it.

Me - Well, after witnessing that I'm doing pretty darn good over here. Yes - feed that good wolf or dog or coyote or whatever the wise man said. Score!

Now I'm realizing it's getting late and I need to get the kids down for nap soon. Uh oh! Bad mood is enroaching. No! We're doing good. Michelle. Calm. What about counting....yeah....try counting. While counting an intrusive thought makes it past the good dog and all the goodness - your house is a mess, you're going to have to make room in the fridge for all this food you're buying, and then all the 3 month old food has to be dealt with, and then all the glassware needs to be powerwashed....UGH!!!!

Bad wolf winning!

Me - Ok, ok. Good wolf. Here is some yummy food. See. Doesn't it look delicious? Mmmmm. Eat some and then you'll be replenished and balance will be restored in the world.

Good wolf (as played in my head) - No, thanks. I don't want any.

Me - No, but it's really good. Here. Just have a bite. You'll like it, I swear.

Good wolf - No! (a la sassy toddler style)

Me - Eat. It.

Good wolf - Hurls the plate of good karma across the table, reminding me of yet another chore I need to get to.

Me - You. Little. Bastard.

Bad wolf wins.

You see, I try and feed the good wolf. I really do. But I'm really thinking my good wolf has an eating disorder.

And my bad wolf. She is morbidly obese.

Body Pimp

I experienced an hour of WTF moments at 24 hour fitness today. It was my first group exercise class. Getting back in the groove. Body Pump here I come!

What I saw for the next hour was a full on freak show. From the jackass skipping (literally) around the room in an exaggerated fashion (warm up?) to the young lady to my left wearing ear plugs...I'm thinking WTF? Once the music started I better understood the ear plugs. Class started with an edgy techno number. I'm not a big fan of techno music. It has its time and place. With the time being 2:30am and the place being a cheesy bar with college boys humping their neighbor. Now, layer over the techno the instructor yelling into her headset, "We're goin' in!". WTF moment #1

The next song was a hip hop number. This gem sounded like it was written by Mindy Elliot, Missy Elliot's twin sister who at a young age was adopted by two white professors. Mindy likely acquired her dope rhyming skills at a weekend church retreat. WTF moment #2

The next, my favorite, is a cover of Eye of the Tiger. WHY would anyone COVER this song? Just play the original. It's not hard. Just record over your shitty cover and press play. Please. WTF moment #3

Next best moment was when Blue Steel girl accidentally bumped earplug girl with her barbell. Earplug girl had mini hissy. Blue Steel girl was completely oblivious and quickly returned to her glamour shot practice.

Class was saved with abs and Adele.

Why do gym exercise class instructors have such shitty taste in music? It's an epidemic.

Was that? Wait? Yes...No....

So, last week I was convinced I had a touch of the baby blues. Crying for no apparent reason. Not really hungry, which is a major change for me. Thinking I had the baby blues made me even more blue. I definitely had a touch of depression last time around, but I figured it was because of Sami's health issues and my insane worry. So, I sat and waited. Huck sensed something was up. All he had to ask was, "are you ok" and the waterworks commenced. BUT after that bout of crying I felt a lot better...and have ever since.

Baby Niko is awesome. He mostly eats and sleeps. Has a couple crying spells here and there but nothing major. Nothing like his older sister. I prayed to the newborn gods before Niko was born. I told them I had had a difficult one and it was my turn for an easy one. Looks like they listened. At least it seems that way so far.

Sami is doing great. She was home for the week of Thanksgiving, so transitioning home with a newborn was very busy. Sami loves Niko. She calls him "Neato" and wants to hold him all the time. On another, not so positive note, Sami went on nap strike all of last week. Not cool, young lady!!! She stated back at daycare this week. Poor little one was ready to go back. Exhausted parents + new sibling = more tv and less active playing. Feel like a total loser for it, but you gotta do what you gotta do. Plus, Dora totally has some educational value! Sami has learned all about stereotypes. The Mexican character, Tico, drives a low rider, is a transient and speaks broken English. For Halloween she dressed up like a bumble bee...an obvious nod to the buffoonery seen on the Mexican variety shows. I'm sure it will be revealed in season 4 that Swiper is also of Mexican descent. I'm just waiting on pins and needles for Isa to bust out with some inappropriate behavior. And inevitably, the other characters will have to yell, "Para!" because Isa only speaks Spanish.

It's been a great couple of weeks. I feel very lucky to have all my babies.

The newborn gods got wind of this post. Last night Niko did not sleep well. I think he is getting his days and nights confused. I guess Zeus and his pals have nothing better to do. Thanks a lot, big guy!